She
She. She is alone, even when She is surrounded by a plentiful retinue of reminiscences. Perhaps, She would love to spend a little bit of time alone, but Her companions were persistent in following Her here, there and everywhere, guarding her from anything evil. To the extent possible. And She, in Her own turn, loved each of them so tenderly, that even the shortest separation caused Her an unbearable pain. That is why they almost never parted. She was a part of them, and they – they were entirely Hers. Indeed, they were Hers as everything in the city, where She and only She could find the reason for all the things happening to Her. “We are happy to be at your disposal…”, - the reminiscences whispered to Her, gracefully bowing. “I’m with you. Close by… Here… Here… I’m here!..”, -- that’s what She heard from everywhere, when She was walking the streets.
Walls of the buildings, speechless trees, the pavement skillfully laid with masonry, starless sky and the silence, which intimidated by its eternity, little weeds and colorless tiny flowers somewhere in the very depth of the park, and drops of dew like tears frozen in them forever, - all of them greeted Her. And She heard everything at once – up to the finest nuances of sounds and thoughts. Every greeting flew into Her heart and remained there as a motionless sculpture, adding heaviness to each of Her steps… She heard the tenderness – a very fragile feeling, but so strong and faithful that it bore more resemblance to the pity. The feeling like a ringing sound of the broken crystal. Humility was present in all their words, gestures and thoughts. It would seem that it completely paralyzed them, but it was only the deception, an attempt to deceive themselves and the One, towards whom everything was directed. Actually, each of them surrounding Her was ready to do everything to be worthy of Her love and keep Her nearby, refusing to share Her with anybody. Love – that was what seized the entire city. She heard it from everywhere. And it wasn’t a crazy passion or obsession. The love to life – that’s what made them take the frozen air, against all the odds.
The City
Strangely enough, but not long ago, and at the same time so long ago, this was one of the most beautiful cities ever known to the world. And if there was someone to say “Hm… nothing special…”, when leaving the city, this person would definitely acknowledge: “Yes… Indeed, the city is amazing…”. But now… The city, or, precisely, what had remained from it, was dead. There was nobody to recall its past splendor, or, better to say, no one to speak it out. The city was surrounded by an eternal gloom. The lightest days were gray, and the nights were so dark that it was impossible to see anything five steps away. If not the lanterns… They were not numerous, but they would always, nobody knew why, blaze with their little bright lights. A wanderer, having strolled into the city by chance, would be seized by dismay, and would definitely lose a chosen way. And only thanks to these lights would he manage to possess the remainders of calmness, and start to look for a way back afterwards. At times it would seem that each of the lanterns was challenging the surrounding gloom in its brave, extraordinary defiant manner. But they were too few, these audacious little soldiers, and that is why there was no way they could offer any, even a negligible, opposition. None of them could reach the other, even with the feeblest gleam of their timid lights. A strip of eternal night lied eternally between them, that was why the fight was becoming even more meaningless. But these little warriors were carrying the feeling of protection along with their light, perhaps apparitional, but an indispensable one.
Besides the lanterns, the city had plenty of houses: from strict, laid in white and gray stones, to those which were once called “toy-houses”. The latter were amazing, indeed. These one-storey little houses used to add coziness to the city, their walls, laid in colored bricks, delighted the eye. The roofs were so even and polished that it seemed that the stars were admiring their reflection when looking into them at nights, while during the day the sun would now and then glimpse archly, as if searching for a confirmation to its blare. The wind whelmed all roofs with yellow, faded, puckered leaves from the death’s touch, and from the sight of their fossils one could start feeling queasy. Spider webs and dust gathered in them made the colored and white walls appear grey, and the grey ones – black. These buildings didn’t cheer anybody up anymore, but rather scared people with screeching sounds of their shutters.
There was a big park in the city center. The trees that were soundly asleep in it would move seldom, and nothing else would break the habitual silence of the city.
A few fountains that so far survived in the park served more as monuments to the past than what they used to be. Dry and chapped, they resembled those doomed to a long and tortuous death. Their whole sight was bearing some exceptional sadness and immanent expectation. Lonely and abandoned, very proud in their own way, they were so subdued, that the Time had nothing else but to destroy them slowly together with their dreams, which they at times would share with each other. The fountains were, perhaps, the only dwellers of the city left on their own. Either because of this, or due to some other reason, She and Her companions tried to cross ways with them as rarely as possible. And, nonetheless, when they would meet, one of Her reminiscences would involuntary, out of habit, start telling about those times when the water that liked to play in the marble pool of a fountain so much, sparkling with rainbow colors and contriving to flirt unabashedly, abandoned forever the one who loved Her so much…
The time is the best healer; it is also an atrocious executor; that is why the fountains, as well as many others in the city, had nothing else but to wait their time to come.
* * *
And so day after day again and again they would wander around the well-known streets. Sometimes She would smile to some thoughts, sometimes she would cry bitter tears, and the reminiscences would cry together with Her. Of course, they would try to console her, but usually that would not work well.
Most often one could meet them at the outskirts of the city, where a wonderful castle once used to be.
To the best reminiscence, one could always hear music and Her truly happy laughter from the open windows of the castle. Balls, fireworks, pageants – that was what an evening could bring. The morning, though, would hurry to herald that the colors have not left the life. But who would think of that at those times? She would wake up and run to the balcony, welcoming the new day. Laughing and spinning, she would sing together with the flown-in music.
“What kind of news did you bring me, my darling?”, She would ask, smiling incessantly. At those words the window of Her room would be thrown open, and the wind would sit on the edge of the windowsill and start to tell…
“Well, …”
No wind, no music remained, and the castle has turned into ashes. The flinders of the past were everywhere around the city, but here, among the wrecked walls, there was something special. It’s been a long time since she stopped living here; she would just come back here time after time, because she felt most peacefully here.
Among the ruins of the happiness lost for the times to come, there lived one sole reminiscence. “The One” – She called Him. Maybe because, despite being always together with Her, it did not prevent Him from being alone. Or maybe because, unlike all other reminiscences, He managed to express His thoughts and feelings by Himself, instead of reading and ably repeating Her own ones.
“Will you tell me something?”, She asked, looking through His eyes somewhere away.
“And you, will you cry again?”
“Recently I can’t do it well…” She said, moving deeper into Her reminiscences, as if trying to find something in the past. Not having moved even a bit, She gave up. Today there was something wrong with Her. Not like before, and even not like yesterday. The reminiscences were settling around Her the way they wanted – some kept standing still in a chosen pose, some, having sprawled freely close to Her feet, were soundlessly whispering something. He came closer to Her, and, embracing Her shoulders, He carefully seated Her on His knees, without disrupting a duly respect. In such a way quite a cozy circle was formed. One of the reminiscences continued a once interrupted story. And everything was as usual during this meeting, even though something was happening, and everyone felt that… This time She was not listening with bated breath, moreover, She could not grasp the idea, even though She knew the story almost by heart. Something special was happening inside Her, some sort of a storm was staring in Her soul, raising high the thoughts left behind a long time ago, the lost hopes, forgotten feelings, and that was scaring… Every second She could catch glances full of tender reproach that were falling on her, and she could see in their very depths the fear, bordering with consternation… Unexpectedly even for Herself, She sprang to Her feet and… stopped, being afraid of making any movement.
“It seemed to me that a star has dropped from the skies” – Her lips were hardly moving.
“It just seemed”, He replied, not ceasing to watch Her closely.
“Yes, yes, it seemed”, another reminiscence picked up.
“Remember, not long ago it seemed to you that you saw a rainbow light…”
“And a month ago”, someone else continued, “it was even more unclear. You insisted that the wind brought You the sound of the rain, but this is…”
“Oh no”, She cried and, having struggled out of the strong embraces, She ran away.
…Farewell
Trembling with strain, She was returning to the castle. Pale, with shining eyes, She herself looked like a reminiscence.
“Where have you been hiding, we’ve been looking for you for so long? They probably are still wandering around the city in hope to find… Although…”
“I was not hiding, I had to be on my own…” it was not easy to find the words. The desire to live and to sacrifice herself, even in a meaningless way, to be cruel and merciful to everyone at the same time, including Herself, was fighting within Her.
“No, no, nothing is the same anymore, or, perhaps, everything is the same. It is a high time…”, He said, plying the fire with a fresh armload of branches and, getting close to the fire, He started watching it.
“Fire!”, she cried out, regaining consciousness, “You are insane! Everything can die here!”
“I doubt it will change anything fundamentally. Everything must die here” – He pulled with a jerk a cluster of some grass drying from the fire’s closeness and flung it into the fire. The welter of the flames took this sop and in a second nothing was left. “I just read your decision. But do not worry, I can handle the fire. I can handle my death.”
“Don’t do it like this…”
“And how shall I do it?”, He was almost shouting. A wisp of a cramp distorted his lips. He wanted to stop and to be stopped, but it was too late. “I’m sorry”.
“How did you guess?”, and with these words She kneeled to the burning fire.
“We are the one… Yes, you change indeed, you stop feeling… Go away, of course, go away. You are alive and you must live. You must forget or at least detach yourself from all of this. So go away before it all started anew. Go while you feel strengths inside you and while you don’t have a pity for the entire past, like you just had a pity for me.”
They were sitting in silence for a while, not even trying to think of anything. She was intensely peering away as it was usually the case. But everything, including Him, understood that that was another look, a look filled up with a sensitive determination, and because of this it was so alive.
“Farewell”, He whispered, hardly moving the lips. He was still trying to guess the final destination of Her look. But having not reached even a half of Her look, He felt a strong chill running through him. And, closing His eyes, He knew that even if he finds strengths and tries to follow this look back, He would no longer see Her eyes.
** ** **
She walked and walked, and the gray rain was lashing Her mercilessly. Perhaps, the rain wanted to bring her back at any cost… But She continued walking. Her dress became miserable, Her shoes lost their beauty; Her hair was tumbled, and water, which was running down it, as if bemocking Her, tried to get into the ears and the nose. Nobody would have recognized Her, the one She used to be not so long ago. Although, She knew it well Herself. There was no one left to recognize Her and to compare.
“God”, - She cried, abruptly turning back. For some time everything ceased to exist: the rain, the darkness, the cold, the endless and deserted road, and a very distant to Her, but still visible city.
“God…, - She whispered, dropping to her knees in exhaustion, - I am free!”
“Free!”- picked up the wind that flew to meet Her.
“Free!” - and a happy smile of Her eyes forced the gray colors to retreat.
Having mustered all Her strengths, She now felt a second wind, and having given the last glance to Her past, to Her city, She went further and further away.
After many thousands of steps She started meeting the first heralds of the sun, and red, yellow, violet, orange, blue, and all imaginably different colors started greeting Her on Her way.
Nobody promised Her an easy way, but nothing would make Her come back…