A STEP

Luisa

- Never tell anybody about this. Just don�t. Nobody will understand you, as I do not understand you now. What you have done is insanity, and there is no justification for it, - nurse Lisa said closing the door of a hospital ward.

It�s been a year and a half since Olya went through the last of five operations. Neighbours in the ward, nurses� And here are new neighbours and new nurses surrounding a beautiful young woman lying in a hospital bed.

- What is she talking about? - asked Kat, helping Olga to move from the wheelchair to bed.

- After the injury I�m constantly being asked: �What has happened?� And today for the first time from the beginning of my new life I answered.

- And what did you answer?..

- Kat! Don�t you think that if I wanted to talk to you about it I would have told you?

-Well, you have told Luisa�

Katya Zaytseva was almost seventeen. She was sure that after everything she has gone through there was no one who would possess such strength, life wisdom, experience and patience as she did.

- I told Luisa only one thing� Olga repeated in her thoughts �That was my choice�, and, seeing Kat�s questioning look, added aloud: �Sleep, the Star!� 

Luisa entered the ward. After making injections of painkillers to everybody in the procedures list, and wishing goodnight, she left, switching off the light. It became very quiet on the floor, and a refrigerator almost invisible during the daytime was rumbling now like a matrix printer.

Family

Olya lived with her mother in a small military town in Ukraine. Older brothers had left home long time ago and nowadays would come back very rarely. And nonetheless they always remained to be the favourite men in the family. On their birthdays, although it was known they wouldn�t come, a cake would be baked nevertheless. The remaining family tried to reach them from their sweet home, they sent telegrams, sometimes more than one. Despite huge distances, the brothers were loved and remembered. And when one of them would manage to allocate a couple of days of vacation and come to visit their mom and sister, unlimited happiness would reign in the house.

Four years of happiness

There came a time and a grown-up little girl, just like her brothers, also went for her life. But in order not to become a new �family legend� and to come back more often to an old and left completely alone mom, Olya has chosen Kiev, as an endpoint of her starting countdown.

University of Economics. Students� dormitory. A nice-looking girl with a beautiful voice playing the guitar has become a star among her peers. Having grown up in a military town and being used to seeing friends in guys rather than boyfriends, she, to the envy of girls, was able to enter any company freely and to find common language with anyone.  The hearts of young men quietly languished �hit� by an arm of just friendship stretched to them. But, in all humility, accepting this as a gift, they immediately promised respect and loyalty to their �queen�. Girls, having stopped viewing her as a vamp were running to her for help or advice. Everyone felt cosy and safe close to her.  Communicating calmly, behaving naturally, smiling sincerely, gaining more and more respect, Olya, unnoticeably for herself was making people fall in love with her and was falling in love herself with the world. She was interested. The day of tomorrow belonged to her.

Tomorrow

- You have to sleep. To sleep enough. Eight days on feet. You will need your strengths very much.

- It�s ok, it�s ok�

- There�s nothing you can do for your mom. It�s unlikely that she will regain consciousness and recover.

- It�s ok, it�s ok�

- Your mind might fail you, take a sedative and go to sleep!

- It�s o, it�s ok�

***

-     Olya, I failed to get a ticket. I will be able to come only by the end of the week.

-     Oleg, mom will be burried on Thursday.

-     Call Pavel!

-     He will come only on Friday.

-     Sorry, I can�t hear� I will come!

-     I will wait. I need your help very much. Please, come as fast as you can. I feel terrible.

But there was no one to hear the last phrase: receivers were hung up on both sides.

Brother�s

�leg. He did a military service in Murmansk. At his 36 he was already a lieutenant colonel. He himself and also his friends forecasted a good career for him. A beautiful wife, a smart daughter. He could not go to the burial leaving everything in one second: nothing could have been changed in any case. Once he was able to pass on the duties, he took some money from the account, despite objections of his wife, and some vodka to make the trip less exhausting, and went to the train station.  

Pavel, Pashka. A navigator on a sea liner, loved by all and very reckless. At his 32 he has seen the whole world, or, more precisely, sea ports of the whole world. Many women, and much more vodka, and in between � books: �Know-Nothing on the Moon�, �Know-Nothing in a Flower Town�*. Could recite them by heart starting from any place. It was good that he was in Tallinn, in any case it is closer than somewhere in the middle of the Pacific. Right after Olga�s call, he went to the airport and for a long time could not understand why he should go. Having landed in Kiev, he stopped for a couple of hours by an old friend of his. Couple of hours translated in a couple of days and by coincidence he appeared at the doors of his sweet home together with the eldest brother.

None of them was in a hurry to help her. There wasn�t a place for her in none of their lives, which were passing by far from the home.

- You need to cry. It will ease. Come on, Olya, don�s stand like a wax statue!

-     Alka, stop it, everything�s fine. Oleg and Pasha will come and then it will ease. It must ease.

-     Why didn�t you tell anyone? You should have left at least a note. Left at night� We would have come and helped you�

-No, Alka, thanks. You know, only now I understand how much I need them. Everything was so simple during the childhood. It was so good when we all lived together. You know, I was a very much respected person in the yard. Two older brothers - this is an argument. Now I miss this certainty so much! I very much want to see Pashka. I would take him and drag under the table, like when we were kids, and eat the whole pack of vitamin C between two of us, and then mom would scold us and threaten with allergy. But it seems, Alla, that there�s nothing left any more: no mom, no brothers, no vitamin C. All heroes stepped down from the film, and I walk in black and white frames alone. I have to start everything anew. Everything anew. But start from what? Can we take this life and start it all over again? The only thing left is to send an appeal to those who are above: Dear God! Let me chose another script for my life. I�ve lost any interest to this one�

-     Stop it. When are they supposed to come?

- I don�t know...

Victor has been pressing the door bell button for almost twenty minutes.

The door was opened by a very tall and wide man who could barely keep straight on his feet.

-          Hello! Vitya, is that you? I hardly recognize you. See, how fast children grow up� Want to be the third? Or better to say, the second? Pasha knocked off, and I wish I could chat with someone�

The flat was covered with a tobacco smoke screen. There was a strong smell of alcohol and everywhere there were smut signs.

-     Was there a fire here?

-     Never mind, I put a cigarette in a wrong place and forgot� But we were on time, only a sofa burnt down.

-     Where is Olya?

-     Olya? She�s gone.

-     When? Where to?

-     She said she wouldn�t come back while we were here. Our behaviour is, as to say, unbearable, unpleasant for her� Though I did not understand what she meant.. What�s wrong? She asked to come, we came. Totally out of control, a bitch�

Four years of emptiness

�lya returned to Kiev and graduated from the university.

That same dormitory. A guitar being played louder, the voice being more husky, men�s attention being more obsessive. Now they were not becoming friends, it was more of a confrontation, and it was not always she who would come out of it as a winner.

She seemed insolent and impertinent to many, but in fact, a frozen heart was searching for strong feelings. Which ones in particular � that was secondary. Most importantly, this should help to gather the attention and fill up the life with sense. But everything was silent inside: no love, no hatred, only disgust and boredom.

Waking up one beautiful morning, she went back to her little military town.

Victor

-     Thank you for meeting me.

-     I am very glad to see you.

-     So strange, I was here not long ago, but don�t remember anything clearly. Only the hospital and the cemetery.

-     I always remembered about you. Maybe we go directly to me. Once I proposed to you�

-     Yes� I remember. I guess for the first time you told something about love in a playground� Funny. Probably I should have agreed then.

-     And once again at school and� when you were here the last time.

-     I want to go home, I have not been there for so long.

- Olchik, you�ve been standing for the whole hour on the balcony. We are missing you! - And Nadya�s arm, not afraid of being caught, tightly pressed to the friend�s knee and started to slowly get higher, up and up.

It has been a long time since their first intimacy, long enough to become disappointed. And everything was already extremely mixed up and down, but the impudence of Nadya and her self confidence continued affecting Olga as a magnet.

-     Nadya, Alik is sitting right behind the wall. Do you need problems?

-     Yes, I would not mind looking into his eyes....

-     Happened he to marry someone like you�

-     Stop it, relax. Shall I bring you more drinks?

-     I already brought, that was Victor.

He was awkwardly trying to fit a narrow balcony door with a huge tray with two crystal glasses and a little red velvet box.

-     �h, Victor, you are always on time. Such a sweet boy� He will be a great husband to you, Olen�ka.

-     Nadya, go� Please. I have to talk to Olya.

-     Well, if there�s such a need, I�m leaving.

And, not letting him come closer to Olga, she pressed her as tightly as she could and whispered in her very ear:

- Come back to the room soon. I will be dancing on the table for you�

Turning to Victor and breathing into his mouth, Nadya added:

-     Do something with her. She is so tense.

-     Hey, go, go! And, even better, watch out so that nobody disturbs us.

-     Another proposal? Ha-ha-ha.

Having firmly closed the door after Nadya, Victor reached for the glasses. One of them was already completely empty and stood lonely on a bench near Olga. She was holding the other one in a stretched hand behind the balcony rails. The little box was left alone and, as it seemed, did not give rise to any interest.

-     You drink too much.

-     Are we married already?

-     No, but� Be careful, you�ll break it.

-     What if I only change its fate? It was a vessel for all kinds of crap, but it will become a glittering little stone on a gray pavement or a piece of glass for children secrets. Well, of course, if lucky. How many splinters you think will come out if I throw it down now? Fourth floor is high enough. Just enough for such a fragile thing to turn into dust.

-     Perhaps, it will be lucky and will not break. Of course it will be damaged, but still recognizable. Something very important will still be there� Olya, we are deluding! Do you want to break it?

-     No, I want to drink. � And emptying the glass in one set she added:

- And there is more, Vitya, I do not love you and do not love anybody else. I used to love my family and trusted them, but there was an end to that. My soul is like a big heavy stone, I do not have a heart, and the memories do not warm me up� I am tired of searching, tired of running at the breakneck pace, wherever my eyes lead me. I do not want to live here. I do not want to live at all. In fact anything regarding me has died already. And if not death, then I am ready to accept, as a punishment, the pain and the aches but just without you all. I�m sorry.

Entering the room from the balcony and making her way through the dancing ones she came out to the kitchen. Having seized the moment when there was nobody near she opened the window, climbed the window sill and made a step into her new life.

Morning

-     �lya! How long are you going to sleep?

-     Katya, I fell asleep only by the morning. What do you want?

-     Victor was here.

-     Already? So early�

-     Early? It�s already noon! You are sleeping like dead! I guess Luisa gave you a horse portion of a sedative.

-     You are a horse yourself. That�s it. Let me sleep.

-     And Victor�

-     Victor is taking a train today and going to our home town in Ukraine, tu-tu�

-     Guess what: he does not!

Olga sat on the bed reluctantly and tiredly looked at the �object� of her sufferings.

-     Kat, you know something that I do not know?

-     Exactly! First normal thought for today! I woke you up for that! Wanted to see your face very much.

-     You missed me that much? That�s pleasant. And?..

-     You really want to know?

-     If you have noticed, you woke me up completely. Come on, tell, did you manage to learn something I don�t know?

-     Victor is not going anywhere. He decided to stay. Your love stays with you! Are you glad? I just did not understand, he is now in reserve or has been transferred?.. But this is not that important. The most important is that he will be here with you building a nest and preparing for your discharge from here. How romantic! Just sit down and write a novel�

-     This is impossible�

-     Uh, sweetie� What do you know in this life, you are still so young. Sometimes love does the impossible�

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